One in four mothers will experience pregnancy or infant loss. So if you think about your four closest female friends, one of them is likely to go through a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirth, losing a child with birth defects, SIDS, or other types of infant death. This is a rather sobering thought.

According to the CDC, in America in 2022, the infant mortality rate was 5.60% for every 1,000 live births. Stillbirth, the loss of a fetus at 20 weeks or more of gestation, occur in approximately 20,000 American pregnancies annually. And miscarriages occur in approximately 15-20% of clinically recognized pregnancies in the United States annually. That’s an astounding 750,000 to 1,000,000 losses each year.

In 2000, I experienced this type of loss. Our oldest, Ezra, was two. We’d discovered we were pregnant again right about the time that my mother-in-law was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This led to six months of traveling back and forth to a hospital three hours from home nearly every weekend, high stress, and grief. We shared our news with Mom quickly, wanting to provide her with some hope. Something to look forward to as she began treatments. We miscarried shortly after.

Three months later, we were pregnant again. Only to lose the baby a few short weeks later … again.

Just months later, we’d lose Mom too. She passed in February 2021, which is when we became pregnant a third time. Thankfully, we carried Caleb to term, and we never miscarried again.

If you have a friend who is suffering the loss of a fetus or infant, here are a few ways you can support them in their grief:

• Recognize that everyone grieves differently, and there is no timeline for grief. Don’t put expectations on hers.
• Help with practical things. Offer to clean her house (or a room in her house), run errands, take the kids for a day so she can rest, etc.
• Talk about her baby, and call the baby by name, if given one. Allow her to talk about her baby. Don’t shut the conversation down because you’re uncomfortable. This helps her grieve.

Don’t say insensitive things like, “At least you can try again.” If you aren’t sure what to say, don’t say anything at all. Sometimes sitting in silence with a grieving mama says more than words could express.

On October 15th, we honor these mamas and the infants they’ve lost with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Here are a few ways to honor mama and baby, or if you’re the mama, you can honor the memory of your child:

• Send a card with a handwritten note expressing that you are thinking of her.
• Light a pink or blue candle and say a prayer, asking for comfort and peace.
• Tie a pink or blue ribbon around a tree in your front yard.
• Release a butterfly in memory of baby.
• Purchase a gift.

If you would like to purchase an infant loss gift, here are a few ideas to consider:

• Mom of an Angel Sweatshirt
• Baby Angel Miniature Globe
• Family Memorial Portrait
• Baby Memorial Ornament
• Memorial Wind Chimes
• Don’t forget Dad! Men grieve the loss of their children too. Baby Loss Bracelet for Dad

Resources regarding infant loss:

A friend of mine, Cheri Swalwell, has a book for moms of pregnancy and infant loss entitled Hope During Heartache: True Stories of Emotional Healing from Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Death of a Child. Cheri experienced a miscarriage nearly 18 years ago. Here’s a little about why she wrote Hope During Heartache:

“I’m a member of an exclusive group that I never wanted to join. When I traveled the journey of miscarriage almost 18 years ago, I looked for a book to offer me hope, a promise that I would smile again despite the pain that engulfed me. Multiple resources were available, but I never found exactly what I needed. Most left me angry and more heartbroken.

Hope During Heartache was born out of that search. It’s a compilation of real men and women’s personal tragedies and ultimate victories, each having reached acceptance of his or her individual circumstances. Every person’s journey looks different as everyone’s pain is unique, but each one wants to be a friend, to offer hope to you who grieves your own loss. Each is a member of the above-mentioned club, and each understands the path that must be traveled, in order to reach your new normal.

Most importantly, though, each of us understands heartbreak isn’t the end. I pray you’ll find comfort knowing you’re not alone. Let this book and the individual stories held between the pages be your companion as you begin the journey of healing, as you let the One (Jesus Christ) who loves you most, begin to heal you.”

You can pick up a copy here, if you’d like to check it out.

The following are more resources available for moms of infant loss (these contain affiliate links, so if you click through and place an order, I will receive a very small payment from Amazon that may eventually add up enough to buy a cup of coffee … thank you):

Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child after Pregnancy Loss
Unexpecting: Real Talk on Child Loss
At a Loss: Finding Your Way after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death
Miscarried Hope: Journeying with Jesus through Pregnancy and Infant Loss

And although my recent book release deals more with the loss of an older child, I do include a chapter regarding my infant losses (not an affiliate link!): Surviving the Year of Firsts: A Mom’s Guide to Grieving Child Loss